On Friday December 18th, Disney released the newest installment of of the Sci-Fi saga, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The saga which originated from George Lucas in 1977, has been officially rejuvenated, by personal opinion (I absolutely loved the film) and critics (Rotten Tomatoes scored it nearly perfect, with a 95 rating).
In honor of the rebirth of the movie(s) that helped shape my childhood, I am bringing you Chicago Star Wars characters.
Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer, Stan Bowman, Gar Forman, John Paxson, Rick Hahn, Kenny Williams, Ryan Pace – The Jedi Council
These eight are responsible for keeping the peace in the Chicago spots galaxy. Responsible for recruiting, training, and organizational details, without the council the dark side would pluck away Chicago’s strongest Jedi.
While each are responsible for their own corner of the galaxy, they all share in the mission of ensuring Chicago sports continues to compete year after year.
They have all won and lost their fair share of battles against the dark side of the force. Being tricked by guys like Edwin Jackson, Adam Dunn, Eddie Royal, amongst others, it proves that the dark side isn’t always predictable and keeps the Jedi on their toes.
Derrick Rose – Anakin Skywalker
Derrick Rose was a soft spoken sweet local kid that had an electric personality and high metal count. While very few questioned Derrick’s abilities, they did question how he might fit here in Chicago. Billed as the one to bring balance to the force, Rose quickly took his place as the Jedi with the most ability.
After he was injured in a battle against the Sith, his recovery was slow. He began to feel hatred for the first time in his Jedi career, and it consumed him. Perhaps at this time, the Emperor Jerry Reinsdorf got into his ear and helped those feelings boil within.
Struggling with those feelings, Derrick’s transformation to the dark side was completed when he privately turned on fellow Jedi, Jimmy Butler in a power struggle. Rose seemingly is on the path to become the most powerful Sith of all.
Jeff Samardzija – Darth Vader
Jeff Samardzija was the golden boy, literally. Coming from Notre Dame, Jeff was supposed to bring balance to the Chicago Cubs pitching staff, and he did until the dark side of sports got to him.
During the summer of 2014, the Cubs wanted to extend Jeff, ensuring he would help the Cubs once they could compete. But he was tempted by greed, one of the quickest paths to the darkness, and the Jedi counsel (Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer) sent him to the outer rim (Oakland Athletics). He since came back to the light joining the Chicago White Sox, as a lot of Sith will do, but after being tragically beaten to the point of barely being recognizable, Jeff fulfilled his destiny and joined the San Francisco Giants.
He was seduced with the dark side of the force. He ceased to be the Jedi Jeff Samardzija and “became” Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was Jeff was destroyed, from a certain point of view.
Kyle Hendricks – C-3PO
The professor takes a philosophical approach to the mound. With a nervous method, Hendricks goes about his business in his herky jerky manner.
His performance is often unnoticed, as the others tend to get the spotlight, but Kyle is every bit as important to the saga as Luke, Leia, or Han.
He does have a cult following in the Ewok’s who worship Hendricks and always point out that his WAR was inline with several other star pitchers, and his resemblance to another droid, Greg Maddux, is uncanny at this point in their careers.
Ozzie Guillen – R2D2
If it wasn’t for R2’s unique set of skills, like unlocking the World Series door, the White Sox would have never overcome the Astro’s and won their first championship in 88 years.
Ok, ok, ok… I’ll admit the Ozzie and R2 comparison is a bit of a stretch, however… I give you these as evidence.
No one, and I mean NO ONE has been censored more than R2D2 has in movies.
Anthony Rizzo – Luke Skywalker
After living on the farm out in San Diego, Anthony Rizzo began to fulfill his destiny once he made the jump to help the rebels and joined the Chicago Cubs. Beginning to realize his full potential, Anthony summoned the force and became the Skywalker that did in fact bring balance back to the force and the galaxy.
.@ARizzo44 loves that Star Wars Night helps benefit @RizzoFoundation. Use the force for good: http://t.co/YZG6541jkx pic.twitter.com/89Hzxxm0da
— Chicago Cubs (@Cubs) August 11, 2014
The best evidence of the maturation of Rizzo’s powers was when he fully turned off his targeting computer, and trusted the force as he targeted the Cardinal’s and fired his proton torpedoes at their Death Star.
While the Empire would ultimately strike back and overcome the Cubs in the next series, everyone suspects that Rizzo and the crew are devising a grand plan to overcome their grip on the National League.
Jonathan Toews – Obi Wan Kenobi
Early on Jonathan Toews has been one of the most gifted and complete Jedi. His leadership, ability to think outside the box, and will to do whatever is necessary for the Jedi to be victorious are traits that shared by all Jedi.
He has been entrusted by the highest levels of royalty with leading his unit of Jedi on the ice. Through that leadership, Toews is often regarded as the top Jedi not on the council currently.
Jay Cutler – Han Solo
Very few in the galaxy have trusted Jay. Assumed to be one of the best in the business, he’ll just as easily drop his cargo when pressured. Relying on his gun as opposed to a hokey religions.
While he has a tough “don’t care” attitude, he was able to get princess Kristen Cavallari to fall in love with him.
Jay might be a scruffy looking nurfhurder, but he’s sit some important late canons to free others up for an intergalactic win.
Jose Abreu – Chewbacca
If there is anyone in the Chicago galaxy you wouldn’t want to mess with, it’s big bad Jose Abreu. While once you get to know him you learn that he is soft at heart, from the exterior he looks like someone that would tear your arms out of your sockets if you beat him in a game of intergalactic chess.
His power in undeniable, and it is believed that all Cuban baseball players have tremendous ability.
Joe Maddon – Yoda
Joe leads the Chicago Cubs in an unorthodox manner, using what seems to be a centers old witchcraft to bring his team’s closer. From afar it seems as though Maddon has the entire team preaching the sake Jedi mantra, “We Are Good.”
Joe has an uncanny ability to predict outcomes before they happen and has been able to use the power of the force to rearrange history in the Cubs favor. Respected by most all, Joe has been the top Jedi Master in both the American and National Leagues.
Jerry Reinsdorf – The Emperor
Sitting upon his throne, Reinsdorf controls 40% of Chicago sports. Pulling the strings like a masterful puppeteer, Jerry rules in a form of mystery.
While he’s been a highly respected member of the republic, in secret he has been responsible for putting the two worst coaches in Chicago in place, which could question the motive of the chairman.
Joakim Noah – Jar Jar Binks
Joakim’s heart is always in the right place, and that heart and work ethic propelled him from the swamps of Florida to a senator for the Bulls.
Always working with a supreme tenacity, he’s often clumsy around the rim. While his bloopers have turned into highlights, Noah’s out of place on the offensive. While some insist he’s an imperative piece to the puzzle, others boycotted the team when they learned of his presence.
Now its your turn fans. Which Chicago Athlete do you think best represents a Star Wars character? Create your own Chicago Star Wars universe.
Comment below!
